Standing on the precipice

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It’s been about six months since I checked in, and that’s because I have been crazy busy with working on my solo show Adult-ish and several other projects during Adelaide Fringe. Then, immediately following the end of Fringe my husband and I moved house and we’re still spending time each spare moment setting it up, buying new furniture, and cursing the inordinate amount of Ikea packaging sitting under our garage. But the biggest distraction for me is the imminent arrival of our first kid, due in the middle of August.

If you’ve seen my show, you’ll know that I’ve always wanted to have a baby. I hit puberty and my body started sending out maternal urges! It’s taken quite a bit longer to get there than my younger self thought (I was sure I’d be married to a rich lawyer with three kids by now), but it has been the best journey. I couldn’t imagine doing it any other way and with anyone other than my husband. I’m glad I’ve had a number of awesome experiences over the years that would have been difficult with a baby. That’s not to say I think my life will be over when I have a kid, but just that I really have no idea what life is going to be like. I’m trying to have as few expectations as possible because I’m sure that no matter what I predict it’s going to be completely different. Sure, I’ve tried to get a sense of what my new life will be like – I’ve read books, I’ve watched films and documentaries, and I’ve been listening to the entire back catalogue of The Longest Shortest Time (which I highly recommend, by the way), but all I can really picture right now is standing on the edge of a precipice. It’s foggy and I can’t see what’s on the ground below, but I know soon I’ll be leaping off the edge. It’s a terrifying image in many ways – I have so many new worries and fears, and my anxiety keeps surfacing in dreams about the baby coming too soon, not being a good Mum, and the good old I’ve lost something/I’m running late/I didn’t do the thing I was supposed to do dreams. But it’s also exhilarating. I truly am leaping into the unknown and the future is full of so many possibilities – about who I will be as a parent, who my child will be, how my marriage will change. I already feel so much love for this kid (even when he kicks me in the bladder) and I’m so excited to meet him and get to know him. Right now though I’m trying to enjoy the time when I still have two feet on the ground, before I take the jump into who-knows-what.

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